Between the years of nineteen-eighty to nineteen-ninety, some of the manliest movies of all time were released to the public. Manly men showed manly emotions and manly feats of manliness to carve out their legend into the hall of manliness for all mankind. Look onto this article and be amazed by the manliness herein.
One of the most manly pulp heroes of all time, check.
One of the manliest new muscle manly men, with an odd accent, check.
A script written by a Hollywood Bigshot, who admits he was drugged out of his mind when he wrote it, and would have to be heavily worked on to be comprehensible, um, okay.
A director obsessed with dark philosophical overtones, that would flavor the armchair adventurers’ potential enjoyment of a film where the lead had issues with his accent, sure, no problem.
Of course, we are talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger in Conan The Barbarian. Co-starring such notables as James Earl Jones as the main bad guy, Thulsa Doom, and Max Von Sydow as the king in the secondary plotline for Conan, this movie was an odd collaboration that seemed to ignore the pulps by Mr. Robert E. Howard, while cherry-picking like crazy from the pulp stories. This was indeed a manly mess of manly proportions.
Manly movie action sequence-Sword swinging action that would embed such a scene in sword and sandals movies for the next umpteen years.
Manly stare and glare action- Conan delivering in a manly fashion, with a far away manly stare, the infamous “What is best in life” answer.
Manly love moment for manly hero- King Orisc, played by the incomparable Max Von Sydow, commissions thieves Conan, Valeria (Sandahl Bergman), and Subotai (Gerry Lopez) to steal his daughter away from the main bad guy’s clutches, Valeria tries to convince Conan not to go, and Conan tries to listen.
Manly moment of sensitivity- After years of forced slavery, turning a massive wheel, Conan looks to the sky in a very philosophical way. Odd because he should have broken off the lever he’s pushing and have laid the smackdown already.
Manly moment of manliness-Conan flexing with what looks like a giant samurai sword, what more do you need?
Manly epic moment of conclusion-Conan beheads Thulsa Doom, (James Earl Jones) in front of all of his followers, so Conan threw shade and got revenge for his family all at the same time.
Manliness on scale of Jean Claude VanDamme (Kickboxer) to Sho Kosugi (Revenge Of The Ninja)-As this movie is all over the place on action and sensitivity, I feel the only way to rate it is with a meme of what is best in life:
